Top 10 Things Not To Do In Tokyo
March 21, 2008
Or Japan, for that matter
1. Stand. Do not stand when the subway doors open. Do not stand anywhere. You will be run over, especially by old Japanese women who don’t care how large and foreign you are.
2. Fall asleep on the subway. Somebody will steal your phone.
3. Assume the trains run 24/7. They don’t.
4. Assume once you’re on a train past closing time, it will continue to its stated destination. It won’t. It will stop where it stops and you will be asked to leave. There’s nothing worse than hanging out with Tokyo bums near the train station at 2 AM. They don’t even speak English other than “American?” That used to mean you had money and were kind. The dollar as it is these days, they may have learned to say “European?”
5. Give money to the bums, if you wouldn’t be inclined to at home. But remember, Japanese homeless can be much more persistent, and will follow you a pretty good distance to get a hundred yen out of you.
6. Assume the cops like you. They don’t. They’re looking for a reason, any reason, to bust a foreigner for something. Have your passport handy.
7. Pass anything chopsticks to chopsticks. It’s insulting in their culture. They do this only at cremations, when passing a bone of their loved one between each other.
8. Stick your chopsticks in your rice bowl straight up and leave them there like antennas. It’s another death thing. During O Bon, this is how they signify the recently deceased place at the table.
9. Assume all the temples are different. They’re not. Go to one or two. Enjoy yourself. Note the difference between a Shinto shrine and a Buddhist temple and then you’re done. Honestly, going to more the one would be like going to a Starbucks and expecting a McDonalds. Go to Asakusa or Kamakura, look at the giant Buddha (Daibutsu) and be on your way.
10. Assume you are allowed anywhere Japanese are allowed. You’re not. Welcome, if you’re a white American, to your first experience with segregation.
Bonus: Check out a Kabuki performance in Tokyo, despite the giant line and despite that they go on for hours and hours. Stay for 30 minutes to an hour and then get the hell out of there. You’ve seen all there is to it.
Top 10 Things Not To Eat
March 14, 2008
1. Smoked squid guts. Explanation necessary? A traditional Japanese fare, like torture by appetizer. They’ll be served like one might serve crackers or beer nuts, as light-weight snacks before meals or drinking, in a little bowl. If it looks like rubber bands in butter don’t eat it. It’ll taste like rubber bands in kerosene.
2. Horsemeat. It might taste good but could you live with yourself? Why not have some dolphin or chimp while you’re at it?
3. Eyeballs. More than likely, someone will order half-a-tuna head and they will shove their chopsticks in the eye-socket, yank out the fish’s eyeball, and then offer it to you if you’ve never tried it. It’s “good for the brain,” they’ll tell you without a thought for the irony, given the psychological scarring you’ll have.
4. Chicken hearts on a stick. (One of various kinds of yaki-torri.)Look, to emulate John Travolta, chicken livers taste good; chicken breasts taste good; chicken legs taste good. Chicken hearts? If your grandma never dropped a chicken heart on your plate, it was for a good reason.
5. Chicken skin on a stick. The Colonel mastered how to serve chicken skin: breaded, fried, crispy and delicious. In Japan, it still looks like chicken skin, feels like chicken skin, and tastes like chicken skin. They put it on a stick just to make it more awful.
6. Chicken cartilage on a stick. ‘Nuff said.
7. Chinese sweet bean rolls. Every Japanese person will tell you they’re delicious. That’s because the Japanese have a completely different concept of delicious, which includes not-cooked-enough dough stuffed with not-sweet-enough bean paste. The consistency and the pairing will leave you looking for a Pepsi, which you won’t be able to find. Just be glad it’s not something else, because it could be and you won’t be able to read the package to know. It might be a Chinese bun gastronomic surprise!
8. Okonomyaki. Literally translated as “whatever you want,” this is the Japanese native cuisine that is the nearest approximation to pizza. But it’s nothing like pizza. It’s gross. Again, they’ll tell it’s wonderful. Don’t listen.
9. Japanese pizza. Many foreign things have been adopted by the Japanese culture and, just like America has done with culinary imports, have been adapted to Japanese taste. We’ve already established that sometimes that taste is not quite on the mark, and neither is their adaptation of this Italian classic. Unless mayonnaise, squid, and fish sounds good on your pie. And you don’t mind paying $25 for a large, which is roughly the size of a doughnut. Japanese doughnuts, by the way, don’t seem to have any sugar in them. If you do order a pizza, try it near Christmas. At least then you’ll get to see your bike-delivery guy hating his job as he stands at your door in a Santa suit when it’s 60 degrees outside.
10. Fried jellyfish. Never tried it. But be careful because in a picture menu, it looks just like chicken. Don’t go pointing willy-nilly. Make sure you ask if it’s really chicken.
Bonus: Someone may offer you the “delicacy” of octopus lips. These are surprisingly edible, but just barely. You have to chew around the rock hard mouth center, which is kind of like chewing a tire off of its rim. But if you like salty, smoky, little-bitter things, give it a shot.
Bonus #2: Try a shot of turtle’s blood if you dare. It’s for “energy.”
Top 10 Phrases You’ll Need In Tokyo
March 7, 2008
1.Domo arigato gozaimasu (Thank you so much) – The people in Tokyo are surprisingly friendly and helpful for such a big city place. And it’s not hard to find somebody who speaks English really. But everybody needs to know how to say “thanks,” right? A simple thanks is “domo.” A slight more respectful “Thank you” is “Arigato.” Save the full phrase for when you really, really mean it. Tip: Domo is also “hi” and “bye” It’s more of an acknowledgment than a thanks.
2.Doko desu-ka…(Where is…) — Best pronunciation: doh-koh dess-ka. Begin the question with the object of the question. For example: Where is the toilet? = Toilet-wa doko desu-ka? Btw, “toilet” is pronounced toh-ee-ray, and roll the “r” just a little bit, almost as if it’s an “L.”
3.Kudesai (Please) – Self-explanatory; use where appropriate. Or after extra-gaijin requests like asking for a fork: Kudesai, Foku-wa arimasuka? (Ah-ree-mas-kah). Literally: Please, fork is there? Japanese = talking like Yoda.
4.Gomenesai (I’m sorry) – When you step on somebody’s foot on the subway. (Also useful if you accidentally stroll in to a Yakuza joint.)
5.Daijobu (That’s okay) – When somebody apologizes to you, which may be unlikely.
6.Nama birru hitatsu (One draft beer) – The Japanese number system is crazy. There are different words for numbers, depending on whether you are numbering cylindrical things or flat things or bottles or rabbits or birds or fish…on and on and on. When ordering beer, stick with “hitatsu,” which is for bottles of beer. “Nama” means “raw” or “draft,” which really comes out of big bottle usually anyway. If you want two beers, the number is “futatsu.” Three is “mitsu.” Any more than that, just hold up the appropriate number of fingers and smile. They’ll get it. Tell them whether you want Sapporo, Asahi, or Kirin. They usually have Bud and/or Bud Light, and sometimes even Heinekin.
7.Nan-sai desu-ka (How old are you?) — This could come in handy. Age of consent is typically 20, so watch yourself. The word for “20” is “ni-ju,” or 2 x 10, so any age that begins in “ni-ju…” is fair game. Do not confuse it with ju-ni, or 10 plus 2.
8.Kimochi (Feels good) – Not for you to say, but to understand. If an attractive girl tugs on your arm and uses this word repeatedly, she is likely one of many different kinds of prostitutes—or a legitimate masseuse. Proceed at your own risk. If she says “Sen zuri,” she’s definitely a prostitute.
9.Ikura? (How much?) — This is in no way related to #8. You will need this for other things, too, you perv. If you ask in Japanese, though, be prepared to get a Japanese answer. The best way to handle this is to know your general numbers, ich, ni, san, shi, go…et cetera.
10.Shitsurei (Excuse me) – That’s pronounced sheets-oo-ray, potty mouth. (Though you can have fun with them by asking them to use the word “city,” hardee-har-har.) It’s a polite word, used mostly if you are interrupting someone or getting a strangers attention. If more casual or feel you are even footing with someone, “chotto,” works well, too. For example, you might ask a ni-ju sai woman “Chotto, chotto. Opai-pabu-wa, doko desu-ka?” Just kidding. Don’t ask that. If so, you just asked where the nudie-bar is.
Bonus: When leaving a restaurant, it’s traditional to bow a little to hosts and say “Go chiso sama desushita!” — go-chee-soh-sah-mah-desh-tah. It means, literally, “It was a feast!” A nice way of thanking them for their hard work.
